"I would've cared a little," Squalo huffs. Just because he hero worshipped Xanxus most of the time did not mean that he wouldn't bitch him out for being an asshole to his friends. And honestly... he still misses the man a lot, he can't help it, but some of that rose tint seems to have gone out of his glasses.
True to himself, he grimaces slightly when Héctor throws out the L-word again. Such a thing would not happen to him. But... he could get close, he supposes. At the very least he did once. And now it's happening again, and it's too close. Nobody else was meant to get this close.
Part of him still bristles, wanting to defend Xanxus. He cares. He does care. He's just... bad at showing it more often than not. Painful when he does. It what made the man the all-consuming wildfire that he was, and Squalo adored it. But -- it would feel just a bit too much like an excuse here. It does not change the fact that at the very least Héctor certainly does not owe him anything, benefit of doubt included. He's not going to ask for it.
If Xanxus ever wants it, he can ask for it himself. Shouldn't he wipe his own ass every once in a while?
But even so, it doesn't make him feel much better. It doesn't make the weight on his heart any easier. He's still being fickle, still dishonoring his vows --
He flinches when the other man says you don't need him; he hears Héctor, but he also hears Dodger in that moment. Familiar voice followed by the lash of a belt. And another. And another, while he stubbornly tries to hold onto what he thinks is his honor. Repeat after me. 'I don't need Xanxus'. Say it.
"..."
He'd caved in back then. Not fully, but he'd been forced to admit Xanxus was gone, and he was still alive. He wonders if he'd been subjected to more of that fucked up training, if he would have ended up giving in. If so, then perhaps he was always meant to fail in the end, one way or another.
And after he'd promised he'd wait for him forever, too.
But Héctor made some good points there. He should -- always make the most of his circumstances, right? He'd always tried to live to the fullest. To be as happy as he could. To always give it his all. And he has a chance now, again, to be himself in this particular way that does not depend on anyone else.
He would like that. But he doesn't know if he can, and it's probably obvious enough from his face.
"I deserve all the best that Hell has to offer, right?" A half-hearted attempt at lightening the mood, but instead of his usual boisterous tone it just sounds somewhat pained. But he does seem to be on track to allowing himself that, at least more than he has been in years. A necessary pain indeed, maybe.
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True to himself, he grimaces slightly when Héctor throws out the L-word again. Such a thing would not happen to him. But... he could get close, he supposes. At the very least he did once. And now it's happening again, and it's too close. Nobody else was meant to get this close.
Part of him still bristles, wanting to defend Xanxus. He cares. He does care. He's just... bad at showing it more often than not. Painful when he does. It what made the man the all-consuming wildfire that he was, and Squalo adored it. But -- it would feel just a bit too much like an excuse here. It does not change the fact that at the very least Héctor certainly does not owe him anything, benefit of doubt included. He's not going to ask for it.
If Xanxus ever wants it, he can ask for it himself. Shouldn't he wipe his own ass every once in a while?
But even so, it doesn't make him feel much better. It doesn't make the weight on his heart any easier. He's still being fickle, still dishonoring his vows --
He flinches when the other man says you don't need him; he hears Héctor, but he also hears Dodger in that moment. Familiar voice followed by the lash of a belt. And another. And another, while he stubbornly tries to hold onto what he thinks is his honor. Repeat after me. 'I don't need Xanxus'. Say it.
"..."
He'd caved in back then. Not fully, but he'd been forced to admit Xanxus was gone, and he was still alive. He wonders if he'd been subjected to more of that fucked up training, if he would have ended up giving in. If so, then perhaps he was always meant to fail in the end, one way or another.
And after he'd promised he'd wait for him forever, too.
But Héctor made some good points there. He should -- always make the most of his circumstances, right? He'd always tried to live to the fullest. To be as happy as he could. To always give it his all. And he has a chance now, again, to be himself in this particular way that does not depend on anyone else.
He would like that. But he doesn't know if he can, and it's probably obvious enough from his face.
"I deserve all the best that Hell has to offer, right?" A half-hearted attempt at lightening the mood, but instead of his usual boisterous tone it just sounds somewhat pained. But he does seem to be on track to allowing himself that, at least more than he has been in years. A necessary pain indeed, maybe.