[something nice. someone else had said much the same to him; he didn't think he deserved it then either. he doesn't think he deserves it now. to his credit, he doesn't flinch or pull away, but he doesn't expect it. it's almost a shameful reaction, a sign that may he wasn't as cold and unfeeling as he made himself out to be. because he definitely felt that.
maybe it was because his life had been riddled with so much pain he didn't know how to handle the opposite -- the idea that someone would want to give himself something other than a reason to lash out. so he doesn't. he stays still. as if he expects to be struck or have it taken away, as he felt as a child, when a cruel man ruled his life.
he's not sure if it qualifies as comfort. but he does look pacified by the end of it, so she's probably not in any danger of a lecture. or worse.]
I wanted to win.
[a breathy confession. because he did want it, he wanted it so much it destroyed him. it wasn't love, but it was another side of that same coin: obsession.]
cw: mention of child abuse
maybe it was because his life had been riddled with so much pain he didn't know how to handle the opposite -- the idea that someone would want to give himself something other than a reason to lash out. so he doesn't. he stays still. as if he expects to be struck or have it taken away, as he felt as a child, when a cruel man ruled his life.
he's not sure if it qualifies as comfort. but he does look pacified by the end of it, so she's probably not in any danger of a lecture. or worse.]
I wanted to win.
[a breathy confession. because he did want it, he wanted it so much it destroyed him. it wasn't love, but it was another side of that same coin: obsession.]
I wanted it more than anything.