He would appreciate Squalo holding that comment back more than Squalo realizes. Dodger hasn't come up between them since... he can't remember how long. He's fine keeping it that way. Not that this conversation is much easier.
"Yeah. Yeah, I do. All the time." He wonders if it will ever stop. He's had a hundred years. But, on the other hand, he's never tried anything else in those years.
How does he do it? He lets out a slow breath.
"...Loving them, loving Nekane, it was easy. I mean, not a first, I felt horrible, but... I never intended to do anything with it. They didn't do love and I thought that made them safe. I could protect them. I could take care of them. I would do anything for them... and it wouldn't have to mean anything. So I just let myself. I was there for them, whatever it took to ease their pain, as long as I never spoke or made it anything more. I didn't tell them it was love until the very moment I was leaving and, truthfully Squalo, I thought they'd hate me for it." He laughs to himself and shakes his head.
"The trouble was, I came back. They didn't hate me but we didn't talk about it. Not until... until they said they loved me too. It's been a damn mess, Squalo, I'm not going to lie. It's been a lot of fumbling and screw-ups between the two of us, including the marriage thing. But, beyond that it's... I love them, no matter much I love Imelda. And... it hurts like hell missing her, no matter how much I love Nekane. I was alone for ninety years, holding out, holding back, trying... and it didn't make a difference. The loneliness, the hurt, it didn't help anything. If I'm going to miss her anyway, why not let myself love anyway too?"
He looks at Squalo, taking in the sight of the other man, another person who's been broken down by love gone wrong. Perhaps one that's wondering, at last, how to move on.
He says, "I just let myself. That's all. Love anyway, hurt anyway, do what you would, and let it be."
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"Yeah. Yeah, I do. All the time." He wonders if it will ever stop. He's had a hundred years. But, on the other hand, he's never tried anything else in those years.
How does he do it? He lets out a slow breath.
"...Loving them, loving Nekane, it was easy. I mean, not a first, I felt horrible, but... I never intended to do anything with it. They didn't do love and I thought that made them safe. I could protect them. I could take care of them. I would do anything for them... and it wouldn't have to mean anything. So I just let myself. I was there for them, whatever it took to ease their pain, as long as I never spoke or made it anything more. I didn't tell them it was love until the very moment I was leaving and, truthfully Squalo, I thought they'd hate me for it." He laughs to himself and shakes his head.
"The trouble was, I came back. They didn't hate me but we didn't talk about it. Not until... until they said they loved me too. It's been a damn mess, Squalo, I'm not going to lie. It's been a lot of fumbling and screw-ups between the two of us, including the marriage thing. But, beyond that it's... I love them, no matter much I love Imelda. And... it hurts like hell missing her, no matter how much I love Nekane. I was alone for ninety years, holding out, holding back, trying... and it didn't make a difference. The loneliness, the hurt, it didn't help anything. If I'm going to miss her anyway, why not let myself love anyway too?"
He looks at Squalo, taking in the sight of the other man, another person who's been broken down by love gone wrong. Perhaps one that's wondering, at last, how to move on.
He says, "I just let myself. That's all. Love anyway, hurt anyway, do what you would, and let it be."