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penancememes2021-05-25 01:59 am
penancemods) wrote in penancememes2021-05-25 01:59 am
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TEST DRIVE MEME #24
Arrival
"Judgement has come upon you. God has deemed you worthy of Hell. But don't worry, it can still be undone," comes a soothing voice that echoes all around you. The voice promises comfort, hope even.
It may seem like a nightmare at first, despite all of that. Full of hellfire nipping at your skin and a sensation of being pulled down no matter how much you struggle or cry for help. Wretched, unseen hands pull at you, grip tight at your body, tighten on your throat, skeletal fingers grab at your face, slide in your mouth and jab at your eyes as they struggle for purchase. It feels like for a moment, they may snap your neck as they tug and pull. The more you resist, the more phantom hands are added to your struggling body.
It feels like they could tear you apart if you let them. The only thing to do is to let go and stop fighting.
And so you do.
Darkness consumes you for a second.
Initially, everyone opens their eyes to a long, dark corridor made of stone. They find themselves in what appears to be a long queue with other sinners, palm bloody with a contract clutched in their uninjured hand that they don't remember signing.
Characters find their bodies feel heavy and stiff, bruised with odd hand prints here and there that they received during their journey down below. A massive headache throbs behind their temples.
If they look at the list in their hand, they'll notice it's written on with their blood. That explains the wound then. It's an old piece of parchment that details every sin they've committed.
As they move along the queue, they'll find a demon waiting to pass them a communication device that looks almost like a very old Blackberry type phone.
"Welcome to Penance," the demon says gruffly before motioning them on without an ounce of courtesy. "Don't hold up the line. This trip is gonna take longer, but at least you get a vacation..."
Once characters have their device and their contracts, they're ushered further down the hall until they come to a set of stairs. They seem to go on and wind forever, but eventually, they come upon what appears to be a door that's alight with white energy. Stepping through, they find themselves on an island.
There's a demon with striking animal features waiting at the start of a long path where an old castle can be seen looming over a quaint, old village. There's music on the air, celebrations clearly taking place. It's explained that while Lucifer rests and recovers, Mammon will be taking his place. Hell is, for the moment, a pleasurable experience they will heartily insist.
Unfortunately, there is a bit of a trek ahead still. The demon urges them on.
Stand Your Ground The weather is crisp and pleasant in Mammon's domain. It seems to always be a beautiful day and a beautiful night, no matter what. Sinners should rejoice since this isn't very often the case when it comes to the actual Penance community.
While the energy in the air is as pleasant as ever, it's becoming quite obvious that there are unusual creatures roaming the area. Large dragons circle the woods surrounding the village and lately and often attempt to add to their hoard, other oddities have been slithering out. Chimeras of multiple animals wander free in any horrifying combination one can think of. Deer mixed with creatures far more predatory, bears mixed with wolves, other animals are sewn together in grotesque ways. It seems that with Mammon's attention directed towards the battle, he lost a bit of control over his... projects.
Some are aggressive, others are not. They are all, however, a very alarming show of Mammon's greed and lust for more.
Not to worry! Mammon and his servants will assure everyone that the situation is perfectly under control and that the animals are suffering very little to not at all. He just needs a piece to the puzzle to make certain that these new beasts have a productive, happy life. He will also be offering rewards to those who catch these critters unharmed and return them to the castle for safe keeping.
Rewards may take the form of extra food at the taverns, special rooms at the brothels, or a makeover at the salon and fine clothing to match.
Aside from the projects running around, guests may be delighted to see miniature dragons gallivanting around, no larger than the standard chihuahua but most the size of a palm. Some puff little bits of flame, others carry a slightly poisonous bite, but they're all absolutely adorable... and absolutely escaped the pet shop. To prevent larger animals from eating these little guys up, the shop is encouraging everyone to catch one or two or three. They may either choose to keep the little guys or hand them back to the store for safekeeping and a reward of golden Lucifer tokens for the upcoming Dark Carnival.
That's right! It's almost that time of the year again, folks! It seems like the annual affair will be held at Mammon's domain rather than Penance proper. There are promises of no clowns or human zoos this time around, so... that's a positive, right? A section of the village has been roped off and citizens are busy at work setting up decorations, booths, and a few other attractions such as rides and what appears to be a haunted house in a decrepit old building in the village. Careful! Whatever objects are being moved into the establishment do seem to carry actual spirits attached to them.
Should guests be inclined, they may offer a helping hand, but they will not be forced to do so this time.
Everybody Needs a Holiday While it may be a little disorienting to not only go to Hell, but to be on a sudden vacation, Mammon’s domain is actually very inviting!
Upon entry, there is lively music in the streets and, worth noting, the demons in this area of Hell seem far more hedonistic than those found in Penance proper. They wear fine clothing, silks and furs, and expensive jewelry. A lot of them have adopted animal characteristics or sport various types of body modifications. They're strangely beautiful creatures overall. Although with all of Mammon's 'projects' on the loose, it does make one wonder if they've adopted these characteristics naturally or if there's something more sinister going on...
Best to not wonder about that so much.
The village itself is quaint and old-fashioned, but everyone seems to be rather pleasant. There may be darker aspects to explore for those inclined, but they are nowhere near apparent on the surface. It's sure to be uncovered later, however...
The incubi and succubi in this area seem to be particularly breathtaking and enticing, but sinners will be urged back on track, should anyone seem to be drifting. There will be time to explore later!
For now, everyone will be encouraged to go to the castle and be shown to their rooms. While they will follow the usual housing assignments to avoid further upset to the sinners' routine, the floor plans will be a bit different. Bathing will be done in communal areas with walls separating the showers and large baths that always seem to run the perfect temperature. None of the rooms will have private bathrooms or kitchens attached. All rooms will have a common area attached to lounge in, however. It will have plenty of available seating for entertaining.
No one will have private kitchens, but room service is available at all hours with anything the sinners could desire available. Maybe even things they never thought they would...
TVs, computers, and other familiar electronics will be unavailable and non-existent in Mammon's realm, but there is a library contained within the castle with fiction and non-fiction from Earth (and beyond) all available for perusing. Devices will continue to function as normal.
Mammon's garden will be available for viewing. In every establishment and all around the castle, there's a cider available freely that seems to encourage a good mood and lower inhibitions. The effects aren't overwhelming, but the more one drinks, the stronger they may become as it builds up. Each night, there will also be an option to attend dinner in a rather grand hall, which Mammon frequently attends. There's always a large spread of food and spiced wines and ales available, as well as decadent desserts and other tempting treats. There's frequently live music or succubi dancing for entertainment.
Overall, the atmosphere in Mammon's realm seems to be focused on luxury, indulgence, greed, and sloth.
[It's recommended that everyone read thoroughly through the new location information as it contains helpful hints on what there is to do while on this vacation! It has a list of shops, animals, vendors, etc. Plus a little bit of information regarding Mammon's land itself.]
Reach Up High For those who still desire to work on their contracts and remove sins from their list despite the fact this is a vacation, there will be opportunities available! They won't even require suffering... much. Rounding up creatures, saving dragons, or helping the carnival set up are all considered good enough deeds to remove one sin from a contract. This is one sin over all, not per deed.
At least it doesn't require any painful torture... though there may be opportunity abound for that as well, if someone wants to go that route...
Under the Surface Of course this is still Hell. There has to be something going on once in a while, right? Walk down just the right street and sinners may see delectable tortures being carried out in seedy back alley establishments. Loving cuts with knives, harsh blows with whips while your sins are repeated for all to hear. Even the torture seems to have a hedonistic approach and debauchery about it.
Are the victims truly suffering or are they being redeemed in the best of ways? Those who decide to participate may soon realize that the cider everyone has been consuming seems to add a layer of euphoria to pain and punishments. While this isn't necessarily sexual in nature, it encourages a sense of good well-being after and sinners may become addicted to pain.
The crash may not be too fun though, watch out for that.
There are also other vendors in this area that are offering drugs of all varieties, as well as questionable photos of other sinners engaging in true acts of misdeed, unlike the comic shop that seems to be more embarrassing than not. Perfect chance to get that blackmail of your enemy killing that guy...
There seems to be a new vendor in town too. The figure's table seems to be set up like a fortune teller's booth, complete with a crystal ball and the pungent smell of cheap incense. He beckons those who dare look near, urges them to take a seat in front of the booth. The figure remains in dark robes, hood drawn to obscure their face. The only visible part of them seem to be their hands. Unlike the animal-like demons of Mammon's domain, this one seems to have human hands with sharp, yellowed nails. They offer knowledge in exchange for something you will not miss in return, they assure. What is it? Well, they refuse to say. Nothing important, nothing important.
Ask anything! It can be about a specific occurrence back home, the answer to life, the universe, and everything, or something as simple as what does Lucifer truly want. Keep in mind that a price will be taken down the line and it may not be something the sinner actually wanted to lose. Ah, well...
[For knowledge based transactions, please respond here. If a character asks a question of their homeworld or something in their future, players may assume they are told a bit of information on the topic without waiting for mod approval. If a character asks something related to Hell, please wait for a response. Regardless of answer type, please respond to the thread linked here so that you can later receive a decision on what your character has given up for this knowledge. It may be a memory, a temporary loss of a sense, a year or so off their lives (when they return home), lack of resilience to sin, etc. Please be aware that signing up does mean consequences at a later date... and these may not come from Mammon or Lucifer.]
Follow Me Down WARNINGS: sexual themes, animal-like behavior, dub/non-con potentials, implied bathroom play, mating.
It seems there's a trickster somewhere, somehow who spiked the cider. Naughty little devil! Those who are unfortunate enough to drink the tainted cider may find themselves developing animal-like traits, such as enhanced senses, animalistic urges, and a general need to be territorial or possessive. They may find the urge to keep to their pack or to branch out and find a new one. This may also result in features, such as fangs or claw-like nails that may or may not retract. Sinners will find themselves reverting back to a primal nature that they may not be able to resist.
How utterly embarrassing!
Don't worry, these effects only last a couple days at most before they will fade completely! Unfortunately, 'animal-like traits' may also extend to mating rituals. Sinners may find themselves going into heat. While knotting or other traits will not be apparent, sinners will find themselves desperate for intimate contact. This may mean a poor sinner in heat will be mated by several lovers in a row as their scent inevitably draws them in, there may also be possessive behavior displayed that results in biting and marking, and others wanting to mark their territory in ways that would make even the most seasoned succubus blush.
It may also mean those inflicted with the heat-like state, will present themselves to those they find attractive as mates or find other ways to entice them to get what they want.
Wildcard/Misc. Don't see something you love but still want to get a feel for the game? Check out our extensive list of LOCATIONS and write up your very own prompt however you'd like to! You can also add a "NETWORK" post option to your TL for quick, easy, and fun interactions.
And without further ado: Welcome to our new TDM for the June 1st app round! As always, potential appers and characters already in game are welcomed to jump right in! This TDM counts as an additional game event as well as game canon for those coming into the game. If you app and are accepted, TDM tags become game canon and can be used for AC! Please have fun and don't hesitate to ask any questions you might have down below.
If you have questions, comments, suggestions, etc., go here.
Navigation
| Premise
| Arrival
| FAQ
Rules | Taken | Reserves | Applications
Network | Logs | OOC | Memes
It may seem like a nightmare at first, despite all of that. Full of hellfire nipping at your skin and a sensation of being pulled down no matter how much you struggle or cry for help. Wretched, unseen hands pull at you, grip tight at your body, tighten on your throat, skeletal fingers grab at your face, slide in your mouth and jab at your eyes as they struggle for purchase. It feels like for a moment, they may snap your neck as they tug and pull. The more you resist, the more phantom hands are added to your struggling body.
It feels like they could tear you apart if you let them. The only thing to do is to let go and stop fighting.
And so you do.
Darkness consumes you for a second.
Initially, everyone opens their eyes to a long, dark corridor made of stone. They find themselves in what appears to be a long queue with other sinners, palm bloody with a contract clutched in their uninjured hand that they don't remember signing.
Characters find their bodies feel heavy and stiff, bruised with odd hand prints here and there that they received during their journey down below. A massive headache throbs behind their temples.
If they look at the list in their hand, they'll notice it's written on with their blood. That explains the wound then. It's an old piece of parchment that details every sin they've committed.
As they move along the queue, they'll find a demon waiting to pass them a communication device that looks almost like a very old Blackberry type phone.
"Welcome to Penance," the demon says gruffly before motioning them on without an ounce of courtesy. "Don't hold up the line. This trip is gonna take longer, but at least you get a vacation..."
Once characters have their device and their contracts, they're ushered further down the hall until they come to a set of stairs. They seem to go on and wind forever, but eventually, they come upon what appears to be a door that's alight with white energy. Stepping through, they find themselves on an island.
There's a demon with striking animal features waiting at the start of a long path where an old castle can be seen looming over a quaint, old village. There's music on the air, celebrations clearly taking place. It's explained that while Lucifer rests and recovers, Mammon will be taking his place. Hell is, for the moment, a pleasurable experience they will heartily insist.
Unfortunately, there is a bit of a trek ahead still. The demon urges them on.
Stand Your Ground The weather is crisp and pleasant in Mammon's domain. It seems to always be a beautiful day and a beautiful night, no matter what. Sinners should rejoice since this isn't very often the case when it comes to the actual Penance community.
While the energy in the air is as pleasant as ever, it's becoming quite obvious that there are unusual creatures roaming the area. Large dragons circle the woods surrounding the village and lately and often attempt to add to their hoard, other oddities have been slithering out. Chimeras of multiple animals wander free in any horrifying combination one can think of. Deer mixed with creatures far more predatory, bears mixed with wolves, other animals are sewn together in grotesque ways. It seems that with Mammon's attention directed towards the battle, he lost a bit of control over his... projects.
Some are aggressive, others are not. They are all, however, a very alarming show of Mammon's greed and lust for more.
Not to worry! Mammon and his servants will assure everyone that the situation is perfectly under control and that the animals are suffering very little to not at all. He just needs a piece to the puzzle to make certain that these new beasts have a productive, happy life. He will also be offering rewards to those who catch these critters unharmed and return them to the castle for safe keeping.
Rewards may take the form of extra food at the taverns, special rooms at the brothels, or a makeover at the salon and fine clothing to match.
Aside from the projects running around, guests may be delighted to see miniature dragons gallivanting around, no larger than the standard chihuahua but most the size of a palm. Some puff little bits of flame, others carry a slightly poisonous bite, but they're all absolutely adorable... and absolutely escaped the pet shop. To prevent larger animals from eating these little guys up, the shop is encouraging everyone to catch one or two or three. They may either choose to keep the little guys or hand them back to the store for safekeeping and a reward of golden Lucifer tokens for the upcoming Dark Carnival.
That's right! It's almost that time of the year again, folks! It seems like the annual affair will be held at Mammon's domain rather than Penance proper. There are promises of no clowns or human zoos this time around, so... that's a positive, right? A section of the village has been roped off and citizens are busy at work setting up decorations, booths, and a few other attractions such as rides and what appears to be a haunted house in a decrepit old building in the village. Careful! Whatever objects are being moved into the establishment do seem to carry actual spirits attached to them.
Should guests be inclined, they may offer a helping hand, but they will not be forced to do so this time.
Everybody Needs a Holiday While it may be a little disorienting to not only go to Hell, but to be on a sudden vacation, Mammon’s domain is actually very inviting!
Upon entry, there is lively music in the streets and, worth noting, the demons in this area of Hell seem far more hedonistic than those found in Penance proper. They wear fine clothing, silks and furs, and expensive jewelry. A lot of them have adopted animal characteristics or sport various types of body modifications. They're strangely beautiful creatures overall. Although with all of Mammon's 'projects' on the loose, it does make one wonder if they've adopted these characteristics naturally or if there's something more sinister going on...
Best to not wonder about that so much.
The village itself is quaint and old-fashioned, but everyone seems to be rather pleasant. There may be darker aspects to explore for those inclined, but they are nowhere near apparent on the surface. It's sure to be uncovered later, however...
The incubi and succubi in this area seem to be particularly breathtaking and enticing, but sinners will be urged back on track, should anyone seem to be drifting. There will be time to explore later!
For now, everyone will be encouraged to go to the castle and be shown to their rooms. While they will follow the usual housing assignments to avoid further upset to the sinners' routine, the floor plans will be a bit different. Bathing will be done in communal areas with walls separating the showers and large baths that always seem to run the perfect temperature. None of the rooms will have private bathrooms or kitchens attached. All rooms will have a common area attached to lounge in, however. It will have plenty of available seating for entertaining.
No one will have private kitchens, but room service is available at all hours with anything the sinners could desire available. Maybe even things they never thought they would...
TVs, computers, and other familiar electronics will be unavailable and non-existent in Mammon's realm, but there is a library contained within the castle with fiction and non-fiction from Earth (and beyond) all available for perusing. Devices will continue to function as normal.
Mammon's garden will be available for viewing. In every establishment and all around the castle, there's a cider available freely that seems to encourage a good mood and lower inhibitions. The effects aren't overwhelming, but the more one drinks, the stronger they may become as it builds up. Each night, there will also be an option to attend dinner in a rather grand hall, which Mammon frequently attends. There's always a large spread of food and spiced wines and ales available, as well as decadent desserts and other tempting treats. There's frequently live music or succubi dancing for entertainment.
Overall, the atmosphere in Mammon's realm seems to be focused on luxury, indulgence, greed, and sloth.
[It's recommended that everyone read thoroughly through the new location information as it contains helpful hints on what there is to do while on this vacation! It has a list of shops, animals, vendors, etc. Plus a little bit of information regarding Mammon's land itself.]
Reach Up High For those who still desire to work on their contracts and remove sins from their list despite the fact this is a vacation, there will be opportunities available! They won't even require suffering... much. Rounding up creatures, saving dragons, or helping the carnival set up are all considered good enough deeds to remove one sin from a contract. This is one sin over all, not per deed.
At least it doesn't require any painful torture... though there may be opportunity abound for that as well, if someone wants to go that route...
Under the Surface Of course this is still Hell. There has to be something going on once in a while, right? Walk down just the right street and sinners may see delectable tortures being carried out in seedy back alley establishments. Loving cuts with knives, harsh blows with whips while your sins are repeated for all to hear. Even the torture seems to have a hedonistic approach and debauchery about it.
Are the victims truly suffering or are they being redeemed in the best of ways? Those who decide to participate may soon realize that the cider everyone has been consuming seems to add a layer of euphoria to pain and punishments. While this isn't necessarily sexual in nature, it encourages a sense of good well-being after and sinners may become addicted to pain.
The crash may not be too fun though, watch out for that.
There are also other vendors in this area that are offering drugs of all varieties, as well as questionable photos of other sinners engaging in true acts of misdeed, unlike the comic shop that seems to be more embarrassing than not. Perfect chance to get that blackmail of your enemy killing that guy...
There seems to be a new vendor in town too. The figure's table seems to be set up like a fortune teller's booth, complete with a crystal ball and the pungent smell of cheap incense. He beckons those who dare look near, urges them to take a seat in front of the booth. The figure remains in dark robes, hood drawn to obscure their face. The only visible part of them seem to be their hands. Unlike the animal-like demons of Mammon's domain, this one seems to have human hands with sharp, yellowed nails. They offer knowledge in exchange for something you will not miss in return, they assure. What is it? Well, they refuse to say. Nothing important, nothing important.
Ask anything! It can be about a specific occurrence back home, the answer to life, the universe, and everything, or something as simple as what does Lucifer truly want. Keep in mind that a price will be taken down the line and it may not be something the sinner actually wanted to lose. Ah, well...
[For knowledge based transactions, please respond here. If a character asks a question of their homeworld or something in their future, players may assume they are told a bit of information on the topic without waiting for mod approval. If a character asks something related to Hell, please wait for a response. Regardless of answer type, please respond to the thread linked here so that you can later receive a decision on what your character has given up for this knowledge. It may be a memory, a temporary loss of a sense, a year or so off their lives (when they return home), lack of resilience to sin, etc. Please be aware that signing up does mean consequences at a later date... and these may not come from Mammon or Lucifer.]
Follow Me Down WARNINGS: sexual themes, animal-like behavior, dub/non-con potentials, implied bathroom play, mating.
It seems there's a trickster somewhere, somehow who spiked the cider. Naughty little devil! Those who are unfortunate enough to drink the tainted cider may find themselves developing animal-like traits, such as enhanced senses, animalistic urges, and a general need to be territorial or possessive. They may find the urge to keep to their pack or to branch out and find a new one. This may also result in features, such as fangs or claw-like nails that may or may not retract. Sinners will find themselves reverting back to a primal nature that they may not be able to resist.
How utterly embarrassing!
Don't worry, these effects only last a couple days at most before they will fade completely! Unfortunately, 'animal-like traits' may also extend to mating rituals. Sinners may find themselves going into heat. While knotting or other traits will not be apparent, sinners will find themselves desperate for intimate contact. This may mean a poor sinner in heat will be mated by several lovers in a row as their scent inevitably draws them in, there may also be possessive behavior displayed that results in biting and marking, and others wanting to mark their territory in ways that would make even the most seasoned succubus blush.
It may also mean those inflicted with the heat-like state, will present themselves to those they find attractive as mates or find other ways to entice them to get what they want.
Wildcard/Misc. Don't see something you love but still want to get a feel for the game? Check out our extensive list of LOCATIONS and write up your very own prompt however you'd like to! You can also add a "NETWORK" post option to your TL for quick, easy, and fun interactions.
And without further ado: Welcome to our new TDM for the June 1st app round! As always, potential appers and characters already in game are welcomed to jump right in! This TDM counts as an additional game event as well as game canon for those coming into the game. If you app and are accepted, TDM tags become game canon and can be used for AC! Please have fun and don't hesitate to ask any questions you might have down below.
If you have questions, comments, suggestions, etc., go here.
Rules | Taken | Reserves | Applications
Network | Logs | OOC | Memes
no subject
"How do you do it?" he finally asks, frowning a little, not quite looking at the other man. "Don't you feel like you're betraying her with every breath you take without her?"
It's not a slight, not an accusation. He's asking, because that's how he feels, regardless of his wishes, and he's looking for some kind of guidance, no matter how poor it may be. He knows Héctor isn't some sort of a life expert, but he thinks there's enough similarities in their situations that he might understand.
no subject
"Yeah. Yeah, I do. All the time." He wonders if it will ever stop. He's had a hundred years. But, on the other hand, he's never tried anything else in those years.
How does he do it? He lets out a slow breath.
"...Loving them, loving Nekane, it was easy. I mean, not a first, I felt horrible, but... I never intended to do anything with it. They didn't do love and I thought that made them safe. I could protect them. I could take care of them. I would do anything for them... and it wouldn't have to mean anything. So I just let myself. I was there for them, whatever it took to ease their pain, as long as I never spoke or made it anything more. I didn't tell them it was love until the very moment I was leaving and, truthfully Squalo, I thought they'd hate me for it." He laughs to himself and shakes his head.
"The trouble was, I came back. They didn't hate me but we didn't talk about it. Not until... until they said they loved me too. It's been a damn mess, Squalo, I'm not going to lie. It's been a lot of fumbling and screw-ups between the two of us, including the marriage thing. But, beyond that it's... I love them, no matter much I love Imelda. And... it hurts like hell missing her, no matter how much I love Nekane. I was alone for ninety years, holding out, holding back, trying... and it didn't make a difference. The loneliness, the hurt, it didn't help anything. If I'm going to miss her anyway, why not let myself love anyway too?"
He looks at Squalo, taking in the sight of the other man, another person who's been broken down by love gone wrong. Perhaps one that's wondering, at last, how to move on.
He says, "I just let myself. That's all. Love anyway, hurt anyway, do what you would, and let it be."
no subject
What Héctor says sounds reasonable. He could be alone and bitter, or he can try to be happy in the moment. It's not going to make him stop missing Xanxus, nor forget him, but he's not here, not since Hell's latest cruel game. And yet...
"And how do you manage to let yourself?" He hears his voice asking, though still carefully avoiding the word love. It doesn't suit him, never has, at the same time, what he tends to feel is deeper than that. "It's like splitting your life in two. Somebody's getting short-changed, and you're letting them both down."
Oh no. He's actually catching feelings for somebody who isn't Xanxus, isn't he.
no subject
"Imelda's not losing anything from me. She doesn't want me. Her family doesn't want me. And I'm dead. Dead dead. There's nothing left of me back there, not even memory. I'm only betraying myself, the part of myself that- that wishes I belonged with her."
And he's gone over that, how little difference it makes. It's not that he's stopped fighting himself about it. He's just too tired for it.
"Nekane always knew how I felt about Imelda and my family. They've never tried to replace her. I think if they could, they'd fix things for me theirself, even now, but it's not as if I'm not wishing the best for them too." Hopefully they'll get out. Hopefully, they'll get out of here and the mess they wound up in in their own world. "The way I love them, the way I love Imelda, it's not the same. I can't run out. It is like splitting life in two, I won't deny that, but you're not taking love from the one to give to the other. You're not asking them to be what you had. You just... feel it. Whatever thing is between you as you both are now. And you do what you can. What else is there to do but just give up?"
no subject
It's something that makes perfect sense, and yet he's never managed to have it sink in until he hears it spoken aloud by someone else. If only he could think this way, things would be so much easier. But it doesn't feel right to him. It was different, yes... but wasn't he taking it away from someone?
Maybe he's not winded this way, he thinks. It sounds too difficult. Caring that much about one person was already a burden, but more? How was it better than two-timing, really? If he knew for certain that Xanxus did not want him, perhaps it would be different. He doesn't, though, and regretfully, he comes to accept that Hector's advice probably can't help him.
"Lucky you," he grumbles, fully aware that it's nothing lucky to be in that sort of situation, and yet it offers so much more clarity and ease of choice than his own.
But he could... maybe take it one day at a time. Just feel it. Worry about the burning bridges when not thinking about it is no longer an option.
no subject
"I wouldn't call it lucky," He says back. It took him a long time to get to this point. And it's not like everything's perfect now.
But, he'd be a fool to expect Squalo to have any manner of delicacy. It's a lot that Squalo's asking about this at all, enough so that he finally addresses the elephant and lifts a brow.
"I presume you're not asking for a friend?"
no subject
Nonetheless, despite all that, despite literally coming him for some form of advice, he looks caught when asked that question. Mostly because the guilt is all the more overwhelming if he lets anybody else know about it. For a moment, he stares like a deer in the headlights, or a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Then he laughs, but it's just a little higher pitched than usual. Could he actually be... nervous? That'd be a new one.
"No. I mean, yes." Smooth sailing so far. He's talking too fast and gesticulating too much for it to be a pure completely-detached-curiosity thing, and unfortunately the man next to him should know him well enough to pick up on that. "Does it matter?"
no subject
"Your ex-husband managed to torture and murder me while I was still a skeleton because I refused to give him information that would help him hurt and torture you. I think you can trust me. You're welcome for that, by the way. It, as the kids would put it, sucked."
He sighs then, running a hand through his hair, and then shaking his head. He might be sympathetic to Squalo for his feelings but he doesn't miss Xanxus. Not in the least.
"My point is, I'm here for you. I always have been. But it's a lot easier for me if you trust me."
no subject
"What?"
That one word feels heavy in his throat. A bunch of recent memories whirl around in his mind. The last time Xanxus was here, how he acted more like himself, how he almost fought Hawke for him, how he seemed to want to do better...
"Are you--" he cuts off. Are you sure that's what he wanted? But there's no reason to doubt this man. Besides, that sounds very much on brand for Xanxus, all things considered. (Unbeknown to the both of them, what he really wanted that information for was to fix whatever was wrong with Squalo... but they might never find that out now.) Squalo shakes his head and starts over, this time with a frown. "Why am I only hearing this now?!"
He was determined to give Xanxus the cold shoulder for a while, but he absolutely would have given him a piece of his mind over hurting Héctor, regardless whether it was his attempt to protect him (unneeded, in his opinion, but he appreciates the loyalty) or not.
He pauses again, sighing, glancing around briefly to make sure there's nobody in immediate earshot.
"I know," he says, somewhere between frustrated and tired. "That's not it. I trust you." For the first time maybe ever, he's not sure if he can trust himself, though. "I'm... confused."
He doesn't understand what's happening, or why. He was supposed to only ever see Xanxus. The thing with Dodger had been easier; it did not get too deep, and the man had treated him shittily enough that it made sense he'd grasped after him as a potential stand-in for his boss, ready to be discarded as soon as he had the original. That had been the plan, not that it worked out in the end.
But this time it was different enough that he had to acknowledge it. He chews on his lip a little. How the fuck does he even begin to explain the issue? Preferably without sounding like a goddamn high school girl? Ugh.
"I think I like -- somebody else. That's not supposed to happen."
Surely Héctor would understand why that was a problem for him. He runs a hand through his hair in frustration.
"Treacherous piece of shit. It's what he said when -- he was here before. Older."
He stops there, but the rest is clear enough. Maybe I really am.
This is more self-doubt than Squalo has expressed in... probably his entire life, maybe aside from that really bad breakdown when he didn't understand why Xanxus abandoned him. It's rather unsettling what Hell does to people.
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"You didn't ask," He says. "I was pretty sure you wouldn't care. About Xanxus, sure, but--" He shakes his head. It doesn't matter. "He claimed that after he was done with me he was going to find you. I said you'd rather die than be betrayed, and I wasn't going to tell him anything besides. I don't know if he actually did find you. It took a while for them to put me back together. If he hadn't gone after you though, the next I saw you both your legs were broken and you were trying to rebel. It wasn't exactly the time."
And then after that, it was just never the time. Again, he shrugs. But his expression does take on a little more sympathy.
"I don't know that supposed to applies to falling in love, Squalo. Sometimes I wish it did, but as far as I can tell, it really doesn't. You can control what you do with it but not how you feel."
His mouth presses. He can hear what Squalo doesn't say. Dios, does he get it. But...
"I don't think Xanxus... I don't think you should listen to him, Squalo. Yes, of course, we want to be loyal to those we love, but... when has he been good to you? He treated you like shit. I had to stop you once from ripping yourself apart cause of him. He knows you gave everything for him, even your life, and he never cared. He laughed, Squalo, in my face as I burned, over the idea. He didn't care. Not the older one, not the new. He's a bastard, Squalo. You might be one too, but not like that. You deserve better. And, I think, if you've found it? Good."
He glances over to Squalo's face, taking in all that rare doubt. It's not actually a pleasant sight. He hopes he's not making it worse-- or that if he is, it's a necessary pain.
"You don't owe him anything. I know you don't like to hear that, but I wouldn't tell you as much if I didn't truly believe it, and you know that. He's the piece of shit here. You called me lucky, but I'm here almost envious of you, because you have a chance to break clean, to tell yourself that you don't need him and it would be true. You should take that chance. You've got a whole afterlife ahead. What's the point if you're not happy in it?"
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True to himself, he grimaces slightly when Héctor throws out the L-word again. Such a thing would not happen to him. But... he could get close, he supposes. At the very least he did once. And now it's happening again, and it's too close. Nobody else was meant to get this close.
Part of him still bristles, wanting to defend Xanxus. He cares. He does care. He's just... bad at showing it more often than not. Painful when he does. It what made the man the all-consuming wildfire that he was, and Squalo adored it. But -- it would feel just a bit too much like an excuse here. It does not change the fact that at the very least Héctor certainly does not owe him anything, benefit of doubt included. He's not going to ask for it.
If Xanxus ever wants it, he can ask for it himself. Shouldn't he wipe his own ass every once in a while?
But even so, it doesn't make him feel much better. It doesn't make the weight on his heart any easier. He's still being fickle, still dishonoring his vows --
He flinches when the other man says you don't need him; he hears Héctor, but he also hears Dodger in that moment. Familiar voice followed by the lash of a belt. And another. And another, while he stubbornly tries to hold onto what he thinks is his honor. Repeat after me. 'I don't need Xanxus'. Say it.
"..."
He'd caved in back then. Not fully, but he'd been forced to admit Xanxus was gone, and he was still alive. He wonders if he'd been subjected to more of that fucked up training, if he would have ended up giving in. If so, then perhaps he was always meant to fail in the end, one way or another.
And after he'd promised he'd wait for him forever, too.
But Héctor made some good points there. He should -- always make the most of his circumstances, right? He'd always tried to live to the fullest. To be as happy as he could. To always give it his all. And he has a chance now, again, to be himself in this particular way that does not depend on anyone else.
He would like that. But he doesn't know if he can, and it's probably obvious enough from his face.
"I deserve all the best that Hell has to offer, right?" A half-hearted attempt at lightening the mood, but instead of his usual boisterous tone it just sounds somewhat pained. But he does seem to be on track to allowing himself that, at least more than he has been in years. A necessary pain indeed, maybe.
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He ignores Squalo's stupid revulsion of the word Love. The man can tell himself what he wants, but they've always talked the same thing.
The flinch, on the other hand, gives him pause. His brows furrow and his frown only deepens upon hearing that sad attempt at being his old self.
He reaches out and lays a hand on Squalo's shoulder.
"You deserve the best that you have to offer yourself. Whatever you can scrape from Hell ir otherwise," He says. He lets hand fall. "You'll always be my friend, Squalo. I'll always want good for you. Even our definitions can differ."
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He still doesn't have the answer, not really, how he's supposed to deal with this and what he's supposed to do. But he does feel better, marginally, and there's some glimmer of hope that he can figure it out.
He reaches out to return the gesture -- rest a hand on the other man's shoulder, in a bit of a reassuring slap, as he's hardly ever actually gentle. "Thank you," he says, unsure what else he could possibly voice right now. It's rare. Cherish it. "For -- being there."
He seems to always be there to pick up the pieces. At least this time, Squalo seems to know better than to actually break into them again.