penancememes | TEST DRIVE MEME #27

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TEST DRIVE MEME #27

Arrival

"Judgement has come upon you. God has deemed you worthy of Hell. But don't worry, it can still be undone," comes a soothing voice that echoes all around you. The voice promises comfort, hope even.

It may seem like a nightmare at first, despite all of that. Full of hellfire nipping at your skin and a sensation of being pulled down no matter how much you struggle or cry for help. Wretched, unseen hands pull at you, grip tight at your body, tighten on your throat, skeletal fingers grab at your face, slide in your mouth and jab at your eyes as they struggle for purchase. It feels like for a moment, they may snap your neck as they tug and pull. The more you resist, the more phantom hands are added to your struggling body.

It feels like they could tear you apart if you let them. The only thing to do is to let go and stop fighting.

And so you do.

Darkness and nothingness consumes you for a second, but only a second.

Initially, everyone opens their eyes to a long, dark corridor made of stone. They find themselves in what appears to be a long queue with other sinners, palm bloody.

Characters find their bodies feel heavy and stiff, bruised with odd hand prints here and there that they received during their journey down below. A massive headache throbs behind their temples. They are urged forward to take a numbered ticket and wait their turn in the long line. As they're ushered forward through the corridor, their first stop will be to see Lilith, standing outside her office.

The woman in a smart suit and a friendly smile steps forward to greet sinners one by one. "I'm sorry for your rough landing. We've never gotten it quite as smooth as it was in the past. Please, let me see your hand--"

Once she has the sinner's hand, there's the warm, almost electric touch of magic that soothes away the aches and pains, heals the wound left behind on each sinner's palm. Lilith looks satisfied with her work and gives a nod. "There, all better. Please continue on until you reach Death's office. He'll have your contracts ready for you."

There's a slightly wicked twist to her lips. "Please do feel free to ask him about any of those sins listed..."

And so on, sinners travel until they finally arrived at another office where Death sits waiting. Here is where you'll receive a contract detailing all sins committed. If they look at the list closely enough they'll notice it's written on with their blood. That explains the wound then. It's an old piece of parchment despite the freshly written letters upon it. Death will also provide slightly more modern smart phone. Think early generation Android.

Seems as though Hell has moved on up from the very old Blackberry type phone.

Once characters have their device and their contracts, they're ushered further down the hall. It seems to go on and wind forever, but eventually, they come upon the lobby of Penance hotel. Once there, they will notice several shops and other areas around the front desk.

The demon at the front desk looks rather bored, but when sinners approach? He seems to snap to attention to offer whatever help they might need of him. He will at least direct to food or rooms to rest their wary bodies, or recommend sights to see around the hotel.

Stand Your Ground

While the Mares have gone, as per Death's bargain with God, and reconstructing Penance is coming along fairly well, the air is carrying with it a cold crispness that sends a chill down one's spine. Lucifer is still nowhere to be found, and if pressured, staff will say he's having talks with the other Lords of Hell, as well as God himself. Things need to be worked out, no matter how difficult it is for Lucifer to accept and swallow his pride. He won't be around to offer warmth to the Penance community and it may, in fact, be mirroring his current mood.

Or it may be the creeping sense of doom that's following so many around now that The Veiled Order has been able to nearly complete their next spell. Local demons will plainly say that God won't help them against this threat, that he doesn't care if Hell is destroyed, and others will be very hush about the situation entirely. No need to scare the local sinners, new or old!

Instead just enjoy the reopening businesses around the local area! Nothing is off-limits. Hellburbia seems to have suffered some extensive damage recently, but not to worry! There's talk of building back better than ever.

Other than that, Helluva Cup has a new spiced drink... and spiced everything. That's right! Pumpkin spice has apparently come early this year... and it may be a bit overpowering and in everything in the coffee shop, regardless of what you order. Even Bean, the 'friendly' hell rat the owner keeps in the shop seems to be feasting on pumpkin flavored meat. That's probably okay. Right?

Penance Library is offering a special reading of Leviathan-specific reads. The local goblins will be doing readings every afternoon for all who care to listen or to stick around and discuss it. These will all be fictional in nature, not historic texts.

Strangely enough, there seems to be a sort of curfew happening. While everyone will not be expected to be in the hotel necessarily, they must take shelter in the newly opened Club Penance, Casino Styx, Hella Shorty's, or other establishments. They must either stay the night in these establishments or be escorted to the hotel by demonic guards. These guards will be doing rounds around the Penance community to ensure no one is out alone. Do not fight them or they may surprise you with how strong they can be.

Additionally, anyone caught defying curfew knowingly or fighting back will be locked in their rooms for up to three days as a potential danger to the community as a whole. There are all sorts of dangers lurking out there and the demons are absolutely trying to keep everyone as safe as they can!

Otherwise, it's business as usual around Penance, so go on an exploration! Bundle up against the cold! Have fun!

Reach Up High

WARNINGS: cutting, blood, torture

Whether you've been here for months or you're freshly arrived, your demonic overlord unfortunately expects some participation despite the current state of things. You can try and shirk the responsibility, of course. You can bargain your way out of it for a while. But eventually, you may find yourself trapped in a room just off the gym that's been fondly dubbed The Torture Room. It has all manner of equipment in there, along with an iron maiden even.

But don't worry about any of that right now. It probably won't be used.

You can try the door, but even with super human strength or every lock picking skill in the book, you won't be able to open it.

It soon becomes apparent what you're supposed to do when someone else is eventually shoved in with you. Both of your lists of sins will appear on a table that's been placed in the center of the room with two handy knives. You can choose to guard these or not care at all that they're on display.

"Unfortunately, due to Father coming back into the picture, I know that He will demand punishment be delivered despite our circumstances. I have chosen a rather easy one, focused on honesty and acceptance of your sins. Please pick up a knife and choose a sin from each of your lists to carve upon your skin. Aid each other in your journey, carve the words to help your fellow penitent be candid with everyone around them!"

The voice rings out within the sinners' heads as it always does, although Lucifer seems agitated at the moment, hesitant in some way that he usually isn't.

"I do apologize for this. If it was up to me, you would have been free of additional torment this month. However, there will be additional incentive for anyone who should try to resist the task I've appointed them."

It isn't a lie nor an idle threat either. The longer you wait to do what's been requested of you, the more shallow cuts that will appear on both of your bodies. Are you really prepared to endure this pain when giving in would be so much easier?

And more than that, are you willing to let another suffer along with you?

Eventually, the cuts will stop if you suffer them long enough, but you'll have failed this challenge and sustained more damage than if you'd just gone along with it. Satan will also be very disappointed in you.

Follow Me Down

Prompt I: Reopening

WARNINGS: sex, drugs, alcohol, aphrodisiacs, body changes, potential kinks, violence, potential non-con or dub-con.

Club Penance is finally back! And with themed nights to start off all the fun. This night's theme is: Anything But Clothes. Guests who enter the adult oriented side of the club will notice the incubi and succubi who serve in it are entirely without clothes (and any ounce of shame!). They're eager to get right back to business. They're very encouraging of others to do the same whether it be immediately or in sexy strip shows.

On their trays, they offer drinks and drugs of all sorts. Shows are being put on on the stage as usual, the offer of sex demos with guest participation are still on the table.

As usual, these demons play under respectable rules in the club, safe words and all. They will also gladly exit the stage and let guests entirely run the show. They're on their best behavior tonight, even if the natural aphrodisiacs they give off seem to be amped up

Guests who refused to undress may also find their clothes randomly disappearing, or being torn off by some eager patron or demon who is a bit too into the theme! Ah, well, no need to worry too much. There will be costumes and lingerie to slip on to go home in. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a walk of shame back to the hotel in nothing but a thong, they'll assure. It's just another night in Hell.

For those who are really adventurous, there are also special concoctions that the club offers. These include:

Frenzy ○ The drug will be given to anyone anyone who asks for it. It can be snorted, injected, taken in pill form, or smoked given user preference.

Despite the questionable name, guests who partake really will feel the best they've possibly ever felt. They won't need sleep or to rest, but they won't necessarily feel the strain on their bodies either. They'll be full of energy and their mood will be amazing with no hint of nightmares or dreams anywhere.

The demons won't let anyone come down either, not once they've started and not until they're told a guest doesn't want any more.

Even then, they may still try to convince them otherwise. It's a party for as long as you can go, or until you completely burn out, it seems.

But with all good things come bad. It seems a side-effect of the drug is an actual frenzy as well. A frenzy for sex or violence or anything a character might want that they deny themselves on the regular. They'll feel this growing hunger, this ravenous need to have and to claim everything they think is theirs.

Some may even fade away into an almost animalistic sort of state.

The more the guest takes, the more they'll experience this sensation. Fighting it won't help either. Though they did sort of bring that one on themselves, didn't they?

Other symptoms of coming down won't be too different to those of other drugs. Fatigue, depression. Guests will begin to feel the effects of staying up for so long without rest or stopping to take care of themselves. They may also feel a certain longing for more, but it can be fought off with enough strength of will.

The drug isn't free either. The succubi expect to be paid in energy or through actual work in the club.

Bond ○ A potion that will bond guests together the minute one speaks to the other. The encouragement is that this should be done consensually, but the demons won't necessarily be checking. Once bonded, guests will feel what the one who took the potion feels. This includes pain and pleasure both with effects lasting a full night. Give someone the most intense pleasure of their lives or torture them until they beg for mercy!

For a really intense experience, both participants can consume the potion with mutual effects.

For the dance oriented portion of the club, the theme is a little more lax. Instead of outright nakedness, patrons may be offered revealing clubwear instead. Things that will look mesmerizing in the lights of the club ranging from neon colors to clothes that seem to flash on the dance floor. The music will be thrumming in the air, pumping down to your very bones as you dance the night away, and all patrons will feel good. It will feel as if they could actually dance all night if they so wanted, even without the aid of any drugs.

It will be an all night rave with all the party drugs and drinks one could want! Live music plays all night. The band also loves to receive requests, so knock yourself out! They seem to strangely know any song they're asked to play.

Knock yourself out, give up any care in the world and have fun. You're already in Hell, so don't you deserve to feel good for a while?

Prompt II: Your Average Hotel Night

WARNINGS: Alcohol and drug abuse, potential non-con/dub-con

With all the sinners, new and old, the hotel bar will be lit up with activity. Drinks will be readily available, there's food in the kitchens if anyone wants to bother serving it, music will be blaring whenever there's electricity, and overall, there will be an energy to the atmosphere that's absolutely contagious. Even if you aren't typically inclined to linger at these sorts of events there may be be a certain pull to stay and have a bit of fun.

You might not get much of a chance to have that in Hell, after all. One drink won't hurt, right? Nor will one more after that, and after that. Ah, sweet gluttony. Why not have a pastry next? There's some delectable sweets available just a few steps away. More of a meat person? Like things salty? Fear not, it looks like someone graciously brought all sorts of snacks and foodstuffs from the kitchens to the bar as the night progresses. Indulge! You deserve it.

Similar to Club Penance, the bar also has every sort of drug available that might tickle your fancy and some you've never heard of. There's no harm in experimenting, is there? You're already in Hell. The staff will offer to show anyone how to use the drugs or give advice for what to try if you tell them what you want to experience. Shockingly, they won't lie! Their advice is good word its just you might not have been exactly prepared for it.

There's a stage and a karaoke machine for those feeling brave or just wanting to torture people with some sweet, sweet renditions of The Devil Went Down to Georgia.

There are tables set up for all sorts of gambling and various bar games to entertain yourself with. Since currency as most are familiar with it doesn't quite exist down here, most of the demons seem to be accepting bits of your soul or offers to do chores around the hotel. You may also get pulled into a fun game of strip poker against one of your fellow guests for a few succubi that are having a night out.

Relax and enjoy your night. Coming here and facing your sins is the hard part, so surely you deserve to have a little fun.

Wildcard/Misc.

Don't see something you love but still want to get a feel for the game? Check out our extensive list of LOCATIONS and write up your very own prompt however you'd like to! You can also add a "NETWORK" post option to your TL for quick, easy, and fun interactions.

And without further ado: Welcome to our new TDM for the September 1st app round! As always, potential appers and characters already in game are welcomed to jump right in! This TDM counts as an additional game event as well as game canon for those coming into the game. If you app and are accepted, TDM tags become game canon and can be used for AC! Please have fun and don't hesitate to ask any questions you might have down below.

If you have questions, comments, suggestions, etc., go here.

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I'm not running.

[well, it's true. he saw her in the library. he chose to sit down with her. he chose to read to her, and so...]

I'm right here, aren't I? Are you saying that doesn't count?

[ Her mouth opens like she's going to toss out some snappy retort, but after a moment, it snaps shut. Dammit. ]

No, I'm not saying that! Just! [ She's clearly getting frustrated again. ] It's not like you're enjoying it.

[ There's a pause. ]

...Right?

What, reading incredibly derivative drivel about demon dicks and then launching immediately into discomforting metaphysical discussion?

[gross, who would ever like that?]

Sure. It was fun.

[oh right. he would. because he's gross. sorry not sorry, you silly AI. and you can have an ever so charming smile to go along with it.]

[ Monika squints. Well. That's something. She's not sure how to feel. Maybe a little excited, in a weird way? ]

Maybe we could read some other stuff, then?

[ Her excitement builds after saying that. She can't help a smile of her own. Even weirder. ]

Something less raunchy and a little more serious. Like poetry. The uncomfortable discussions could get built right in, even, depending on the writer.

[he had every intention of bailing off after that dickish debacle, but she did look excited. maybe in a weird way, but also in a way where he could tell she wasn't putting on airs for the sake of it. it's not like he had anywhere else to be, and maybe... maybe it really had been fun, sort of, even though they're both trapped in literal hell.]

Sure, Monika.

[he'll even scoot his chair a little closer. you know. just so he can read along. obviously the only reason.]

But I fully reserve the right to laugh at your terrible taste. Just a heads up.

[ There goes her heart again, fluttering away. Yep, she's definitely excited. ]

That's just a sign of your short-sighted mind, so it's fine.

[ Grinning at her wit, she tugs over the most beaten up book of the bunch, half of its wear most likely her fault. It's a collection of Emily Dickinson's poems, and she's checked it out a lot, devouring it voraciously each and every time.

She moves in closer too after flipping to a certain poem, "If I can stop one heart from breaking." As she holds the book up for him to see, one of her thighs presses against his. She doesn't think much of it. It's comfortable. ]

This one's my favorite. [ Her finger taps the title. ] Go on! Read it!

[he doesn't really have time to read outside of his job and even if he did he certainly wouldn't dabble in the likes of dickinson, but he may as well indulge monika while she's being kinda cute and not nearly as much of a pain. who knows how long that would even last. better make the most of it while she's busy fawning all over mediocre literature.]

Nah, it's your turn. You read it.

[dare he even say...]

Dazzle me.

[ Her head snaps in his direction. Twilight immediately runs through her head, because duh! It's thrown her off, however. The pressure's on.

Swallowing some sudden nervousness, she glances back at the book. It shouldn't be a big deal. Like, it was totally a plot point in her game! And--no need to be humble--she was kind of amazing at this stuff. So why does it feel like she just choked down a frog? ]

If you don't save any of your dumb laughter until I'm done, I'll hit you with the book.

[ The deep breath she takes in gets exhaled as a huff. Time to stop being silly and get on with it. ]

If I can stop one heart--

[ Her voice cracks. Her eyes flicker in his direction before she tamps down some frustration. Get it together! Believe in the power of love! Be a dazzler! ]

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain...

[ With every subsequent word, she gains her footing. The literature club president in her peeks out, then fully appears. She's calm, collected, confident. As she continues on, her eyes close, memory taking over as she feels her way through the poem instead of just reading it. ]

...Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

[ Monika breathes out, much more relaxed, and opens her eyes as she smiles. Seems like she's going to not be a pain for a while yet. ]

It's short, but it's poignant. It's kept me going ever since I first read it. [ Still enjoying the ride on her fresh wave of confidence, she smirks over at him, since his opinions won't bother her now. ] Well? Gonna laugh?

[to his credit, kaiba sits still. he stays silent. no laughter or commentary of any kind, not a single peep. his eyes follow each line and he listens to every word. his features may seem harsh but it might just be they always look that way; it may just be he can't shut it off, any more than monika can squash that all encompassing desire to be loved.

it was almost sad, listening to monika lose herself in the moment. such a sorry piece of work, a flimsy excuse for a girl. after that hellish nightmare, he should've known to stay away. not because he was afraid of anything he saw, or because he scorned the truth, but because it was simply a waste of time. it was a waste of time to convince someone like that to take a different path. a waste of time to program, or reprogram, something that fundamentally broken. she belonged in the garbage bin. she deserved to be recycled.

but she sounded so real. realer than most real people he had met. she really and truly believed in what she had read, in the idea of love, even if she could never feel it.

and he can't help but admire that, the pursuit of the impossible. he couldn't help but admire it because he believed in the same thing -- not in love, but in breaking boundaries.]

Hm.

[kaiba props his elbow on the table, leaning his head on his hand. eyes drifting away.]

I don't really get it. Saving yourself for one person. Seems like you're setting yourself up for disappointment if they don't feel the same way.

[they flicker back to her, even. neutral. inscrutable. she can read her books, but she won't read him.]

Is that why you keep trying? You think you're going to find the one, by playing your hand as much as possible?

[ Her confidence takes a small blow, making her smirk shift into a more uncertain smile. She searches his face for a hint of something, maybe a sign that he's being diffuclt for the sake of it, but she'd have better luck trying to decipher ancient hieroglyphics. He's closed off and unreadable as ever.

Monika pushes out a laugh, shrugging a nonchalant shoulder. ]

The odds are bound to be in my favor, right?

[ Said with far more conviction than she feels. Sure, she was still flirting with the danger of maintaining more-than-friendly relationships with multiple people, but the whole endeavor had a giant black hole in the middle of it now, constantly threatening to swallow everything up.

Her eyes fall to the table for a moment. Her thoughts still all led back to one person, though. The only one that could end that inevitable spiral into nothingness.

Kaiba's words float through her mind. Seems like you're setting yourself up for disappointment if they don't feel the same way. The quick stab of pain in her heart makes her wince, almost imperceptibly.

After a quick bit of consideration, she places the book aside and joins him in leaning on the table, one elbow bracing her as she presses into his personal bubble, close enough that she could easily give in to the urge to touch him. For a while, she simply watches him quietly, the softness of her slow breaths contrasting with the increasingly hard drumming in her chest. He somehow kept drawing her in, no matter her feelings. ]

What are my odds with you? At least 60 percent?

[ Surely she wasn't alone in that, feeling that pull. There had to be something there after all this time. ]

[he has to laugh at that guesstimate of 60 percent, as if it boiled down to a mere numbers game. not at her so much as at himself; it sounded like something he would say.

for once, he doesn't mind her getting close. overall, he wasn't a huge fan of proximity, but he can tell that she's taken his advice: she's being herself, for better or for worse. and he can't help but feel proud of that, because he knows it came about because of him. because of that brutal honesty which forced this side to the surface. forced the truth.

he peers back at her and he relaxes a bit, his expression the slightest bit softer. monika was a nightmare, figuratively and otherwise, but she was almost appealing here.]

Nah. I think it's a little more complicated that.

[sighing, he looks away for a second or two. maybe she wasn't the only one who wasn't sure.]

Look. I don't hate you. I never did. But you can't treat people like prizes. And I know that sounds ironic coming from me, but we're more than just commodities. The world is full of human beings, and it might be easy to write them off as zeroes and ones, but it doesn't work that way.

[was he really giving her a pep talk? oh well, he thinks. stranger things have happened.]

I don't really know anything about love. But I do know it's not a matter of winning or losing. It's a matter of being human.

[ The laugh is curious. Not meant to mock her, she hopes. It's not like her estimate was too high or anything. A joke doesn't follow, however, so she's going to choose to believe she was at least somewhat right. ]

Really? I figured you'd like everything being reduced to numbers. They're so objective and all.

[ Or so TB had told her once, when they'd had a similar conversation. In the world, there's only statistics and probabilities. After all she'd been through, she'd had a few weak moments of wondering if that was really true. But no. Ultimately, she kept a loose grasp on her belief in love.

So to hear Kaiba say otherwise? She's quite a bit thrown. And that feeling only increases as he continues to say everything she least expects him to say. It takes her a long time to speak again. ]

I...don't think I hate you, either. Some of the things you've done and said, yes, but not you. Kind of in that "other woman" sort of way. Or "other man," in your case, even if you look amazing in a dress. Ahaha.

[ She takes a breath. It's a...start. ]

But if there's anything I learned after...everything, it's that I don't know anything about love, either. I'm trying, though. I still want to know what it really is. So that means making mistakes. Like a human would.

[ Her gaze drops away, and her hand grips the edge of the table. More like how some AI would. Her dismay at that slips into her expression. ]

You make things easier, at least. I can just be angry with you and forget most of that stuff. [ She laughs, but it's short-lived. ] Guess it works out just fine, right? You like when I'm like that.

[ Another silence stretches on before she lets out a sigh. ] You'd think I'd just ask you to fix me. I'm sure you could do it. [ Slowly, she looks back, the tinge of dismay still there, but a soft sort of sincerity as well. ] Would you?

[he doesn't particularly care for it, having his own attitude thrown back in hid face. but she isn't wrong; he preferred to be objective. pragmatic. efficient.

there was nothing efficient about this. he really should just leave. but he lingers, against better judgment. he chooses to stay, against better judgment, because monika was a nightmare and a hot mess but he wasn't faring too well on that front either. the world was full of human beings, but much like monika, they always felt so far away.

but she's trying. they both are. and that has to count for something.]

I've made mistakes. But recognizing them and forging ahead anyway... there's nothing more human than that.

[as her hand drifts to the table, his hand shifts to rest over it. fingers curling around her knuckles.]

I can't reprogram you. Not really. I think it's something you'll have to learn for yourself.

[and that too was utterly human: stumbling through life's lessons and getting right back up again.]

As many mistakes as I've made already? Yeah, I guess I'm fully human, then.

[ There's that weak, barely humorous laugh again. She'd probably made enough mistakes in the past year to last an entire human lifetime. "Nightmare" and "hot mess" were understatements. But still, she was puttering along somehow. Still trying. Still living.

Her eyelashes flutter as his warmth overwhelms her hand. Still weak as ever to contact, too, even more so when it's unexpected. And after the past few weeks? It's potent. Goosebumps blossom and spread, tingles washing over her in a rush. ]

It's...it's fine. [ For a while, she'd forgotten how to speak. ] I wouldn't want you to anyway. I don't want anyone touching me in that way.

[ Her other hand settles on top of his, sandwiching it firmly in place, determined to keep him there. This kind of touch was fine. ]

Tell me a mistake you've made. I think I'm owed one, since you've seen so many of mine. [ A ghost of a smirk reappears. ] Just so I have the special privilege of knowing you're not perfect.

[and he's all too quick to disagree:]

It's not fine. But so long as you accept that, it'll be alright.

[paradoxical as it may sound. he has to believe that it will; otherwise, everything seemed too hopeless, even for a militant pessimist.

as for mistakes, it's hard to pick just one. there have been many, far too many. he may have been the most arrogant son of a bitch to walk the earth and a man prone to ardent denial, but even he knows he's made missteps. case in point: bonding with a dangerously rogue AI. sitting here, just talking to someone he now knows to be an utter menance.

but one stands out among all the rest. and he supposes she's earned that much.]

I left my brother behind. I went after a man I wanted more than anything and forgot what I was supposed to do.

[his hand squeezes tight around hers, as if living the pain of that memory.]

I forgot to care about him. To look after him. And I realized that way too late to make a difference.

[ She snorts quietly at the disagreement. Not surprising, really. Wasn't a day ending in Y if he wasn't constantly trying to be ever the contrarian with her. It was comforting, almost, being able to rely on that.

Her expression shifts when he fulfills her request. Another surprise. She figured he'd roll his eyes, throw a hissy fit, and walk off like she's sure he's wanted to for a long time now. But no. Finally, the cover of his book has creaked open. She's gotten a peek at a page.

It happens without thought. Monika goes in for a kiss. Unlike any other she's given him, ones riddled with lust and less-than-savory feelings, this one is meant to be gentle. Comforting. An attempt to give him something nice.

It's not like she could understand that kind of bond, or even begin to fathom what it was like to have to forever harbor the amount of regret that must've brought forth. But they both knew pain. That was the chain linking them, no matter how much she tried to deny it.

After a moment, she pulls back, remaining a few inches away. Instinct had taken over, but she snagged hold of the reins again, regained her control. He wasn't really someone she should even think about wanting to comfort. Was he?

...Or was there more to it? ]

Sometimes, when you want something with all of your being...everyone else becomes an obstacle. No matter how important they are. [ Her brow twitches, nearly furrowing, memories of their shared nightmare picking at her. ] No matter how real or fake they are.

[ Words drift into her mind from a faraway place, ones that seemed to mean even more now, more than when she had first written them: ]

There is no meaning.
There is no purpose.
And we seek only the impossible.

[something nice. someone else had said much the same to him; he didn't think he deserved it then either. he doesn't think he deserves it now. to his credit, he doesn't flinch or pull away, but he doesn't expect it. it's almost a shameful reaction, a sign that may he wasn't as cold and unfeeling as he made himself out to be. because he definitely felt that.

maybe it was because his life had been riddled with so much pain he didn't know how to handle the opposite -- the idea that someone would want to give himself something other than a reason to lash out. so he doesn't. he stays still. as if he expects to be struck or have it taken away, as he felt as a child, when a cruel man ruled his life.

he's not sure if it qualifies as comfort. but he does look pacified by the end of it, so she's probably not in any danger of a lecture. or worse.]

I wanted to win.

[a breathy confession. because he did want it, he wanted it so much it destroyed him. it wasn't love, but it was another side of that same coin: obsession.]

I wanted it more than anything.

I did, too. [ Her voice is barely above a whisper now, tears stinging at her eyes. ] Even if it meant destroying everything.

[ Abruptly, she pulls her hands away, instead wrapping him up in a hug, breathing hard against his neck. Unlike him, she wasn't afraid to seek what she wanted. So removed from nice things, she took them whenever she could. She'd so thoroughly convinced herself that because she'd suffered so much, she only deserved good things. It was her right.

And this, she needed and wanted. Badly. After he'd been able to see what horrors her own twisted obsession had wrought, and in turn saw what haunted him, this embrace was the unspoken way to say I understand.

Monika's eyes press closed. After the kiss, she's unsure of how he'll react. But hopefully, just like with that, he'll at least allow it. And perhaps, as she takes what she needs, he'll get something he definitely needs in return. ]

[when was the last time someone hugged him? maybe mokuba, the brother he left behind. it makes him feel downright rotten, even if she's trying to make him feel better.

he wanted to win. he wanted it more than anything. and now that man was gone. he had abandoned someone and so he had been abandoned himself. maybe that was what he deserved, a lot more than nice. nice was such a loaded term. nice was for nice people. they weren't nice people. and nice was not the fate that awaited them here.

even so, he embraces her anyway. maybe they couldn't have nice but it feels like the right thing to do.]

You're real.

[it's not I love you and won't ever be, but maybe I see you means more. at least for right now.]

Remember that. No matter what happens, you existed.

[ Her eyes flutter open, a breath hitching in her throat. It's not a declaration of love, yes. She'd suspect something was seriously wrong if he ever gifted her with one. Affirming her existence, however? For once, and probably for the first time ever, it meant more than her so-called three favorite words.

After quickly scrubbing at her eyes, she disentangles herself from him and stumbles to her feet, angling her face away. That was enough vulnerability for one day. Few people got to see her laid this bare, and she was trying to keep that number quite low. ]

Thanks. I'm just...

[ She glances at the books she's laid out, considering at least stacking them up neatly for the demons whenever they swung by to put them away, but was that really important? Making her escape took precedence.

Monika pulls back the hand that had gone so far as reaching out for one, abandoning her constant desire for orderliness. Control. Because if she stayed here, things were going to keep slipping through her fingers. ]

I'm...

[ A coherent sentence still refuses to form, so she shoves her chair haphazardly under the table and moves past him for the exit. Because he can't see her cry. He can't, he can't, he can't. ]

[too late for that, he would've told her, but she's already on her way out.

he's no good with girls. he wasn't romantic, not in the slightest, and he had neither the time nor interest in pointless sentimentality. stories, poems, works of fiction -- none of them meant anything at all. all worthless schlock. they were just excuses for escapism. they were just another form of running away. he would know. he's done it all his life.

monika could be dangerous and dangerously unpredictable, but the sudden outburst still catches him by surprise. he wasn't offended, far from it, nor did he blame himself for it, but it felt like having hot coffee splashed in his face all over again. she was upset, albeit for a very different reason, and it's aggravating. it's aggravating when he said stop running and then she went and did it anyway. so while she tries to run, she doesn't get far. he's not good with girls, but he knows this much: you can't just let her go like that.]

Monika!

[she's real. he calls out her real name. nearly leaps to his feet. and he catches her by the wrist, leans on his heels. grounds them there.

stop it,

stop it,

stop it,

and shouts with all his might, just as much at monika as himself:]

I said

[stop it—]

stop running!

[ Even if he hadn't grabbed her wrist, the way he'd said her name would've stopped her in her tracks. She lets out a strangled noise at his grasp, immediately and frantically fighting against what feels like a shackle trapping her there. Let me go, she pleads to some higher power that she knows isn't listening, just let me go.

But it's not to be. His fiery command strikes like a bolt of lightning.

Her efforts to escape gradually cease, and her wrist goes limp in his hand. Others are staring, she can tell, feeling their eyes boring in, but there's no stopping it. Her body seems to take those words as a cue to release everything. Tears spill out, one after another, and soon there's no containing the waterfalls.

A sob burns in her throat before she lets it tumble free, and she looks back at Kaiba over her shoulder, a tremble that had started in her hand traveling upward and throughout her body. ]

J-Just this one time. Let me do it just one more time. Please.

[so much for keeping it down in the library. he's sure to get an earful of that later.

for now, he just holds her there. holds her gaze. forces her to look at him, not through his grip, but sheer force of will. because seto kaiba was a powerhouse, a firestorm, a hurricane. he could command thousands and thousands of people to listen; here he commands just one with the same strength and passion and purpose.]

If you go now, you can't come back.

[his fingers loosen. if she really and truly wants to run, she can.]

So choose. Choose for yourself.

[if she wants to cry, she can. he's made his decision. she would have to make hers.]

Choose who you want to be.

[ The tremble's worsening. Her knees feel like they're seconds from buckling. But she stares back, unable to pull herself away from his intense stare. More layers of her are exposed, and there's nothing she can do to stop it.

Another quiet sob leaks out. She wants to go. She doesn't want to come back. Facing the heinous parts of her was too hard. She can't, she can't, she can't...

But as he loosens his hold on her, she makes no move to leave. She lets him peel away mask after mask until he fully sees her real face, with tear-swollen eyes and the true, raw sadness she always keeps caged up inside. ]

I don't know who I want to be...

[ The words are soft and pained, and she finally finds the ability to drop her head and avoid some of his piercing scrutiny. She was caught between so many worlds. AI and human. Digital and reality. Good and bad. How was she supposed to make such a monumental decision so quickly?

One step. Another. And another. Then she's pressed against him, her face disappearing into his shirt. She continues sniffling quietly, clinging to him lightly, sinking into his warmth. ]

I just...want to be happy.

[at least he's more prepared for it this time. he kept his own heart locked up, sealed away in his chest, but it was still beating there. he was still human, still alive. he could still feel things, even some sentimental things, when he allowed himself to do so. and arguably he felt them just as intensely as anyone else, even if he couldn't cry anymore.

the tension in his limbs dies down. he's no good with girls but he holds her anyway. with any luck, she wouldn't notice that lack of experience.]

Of course you do.

[of course she knows. and of course she wants to be happy. he won't wipe her tears; he just lets her cry and cry and cry into his chest. emotionally, he's not a very warm person. physically, though, he may as well be a space heater. and he supposes there are worse things to have in his arms than a pretty girl, beside herself with grief.]

You want to be real, right? Isn't this the real you?

[people are staring. let them, he thinks. only one person matters here. maybe two.]

Being human hurts. That's how you know it's real.

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cw: mention of child abuse

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